WoL

 

Case Closed.

Whoever wrote this, thank you.

These words sum up the pivot of my life right now.

I recently broke my own heart and in the process lost a friend.

Or so I thought I did.

The only way to make sure is to ask.

But what if I try to reach out and it doesn't work?

I do not want to be rejected. Not again.

Besides, the last time we talked, it was so obvious that you were only being civil by responding to me.

You did not want to talk to me.

You did not even deny it when I asked.

I told myself I would not write about you,

because you might think that I am still holding on to you.

You would not like that, would you?

Well you do not have to worry, because I have let you go from the very moment you said, "Sorry."

But I have to admit that I am haunted.

By your memories. 

Memories that still make my heart aflutter whenever I go back to them.

Memories that remind me of how it felt like when you cared.

I could fall in love over and over again with you...r memories.

I also would like to admit that when I saw your face after the storm,

I knew it was not you who I was reading about in our conversations. 

It was not you who would defy the odds to solve problems that are mine.

It was not you who made me feel like the things I did made me special.

I am aware that my memories of you are no longer who you are today. 

So, I guess you cannot say that I wrote about you.

I wrote about who you were.

I wrote about your past.

But not you, exactly.

Because I am not entirely sure I still know you.

I have no idea what happened, 

I have no clue what I did wrong.

All I know is you are gone.

It is over.

I am not even sure what "it" was.

But I do know that I miss your friendship.

I had hoped we could keep that.

But where do we stand now?

Again, to get the answer I would need to ask you.

That would be too much of a risk.

Sometimes, I feel like I deserve to know why.

Just like I probably deserved more than a couple months of you. 

But maybe you did not know how to end a relationship, because you were not sure how to start one either. 

Just like how I am still poor at putting writings into conclusion. 

2009-33027, Class of 2015

When people would ask me if there was anything they could help me with during my sp days, I would say that all I needed was their prayers. 

I needed a miracle to get to the finish line. Most of the time I felt helpless and also on the verge of breaking down. 

Good thing I had Psalm 46:1 as my armour: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." First thing every morning, I would whisper a short prayer, "Lord, please guide me through the impossible." 

I will never forget the (so far) craziest three weeks of my life. Those sleepless nights led me one step closer to the fulfillment of my dreams. 

And now, less than a week before the miracle I've worked hard for happens, I would like to express my gratitude to everyone. Everyone who was there for me when I felt like giving up. Everyone who prayed for me. Everyone who told me, "I know you can do it."

You know who you are and I can never thank you enough for pushing me to keep on keeping on. 

Most of all I would like to give a huge shoutout to my ever loving, ever supportive parents. Thank you Ma, Dad, for teaching me that strength is something you choose. Thank you for showing me how to smile through the tears, how to laugh even when in pain. If not for the strength and wisdom you guys possess, I would not have had the motivation to become strong as well. Thank you also for always reminding me to tell the Heavenly Father everything. 

I raise this eventful moment to You, Lord. This is all by Your grace. Thank You so much for another wonder. I will always keep in mind that nothing is impossible with You. 

I'm Too Hard on Myself

Look at you. Look how deep you've fallen. Look at the bruises that will never fully heal. Look how big you've become. You tell yourself that you have dreams. You tell yourself that your life has purpose. But the truth is, all this time you've just been trying to hang in there. You've been trying so hard that you actually think you're okay. Far deep inside, you're not sure about anything, not even yourself. You don't know where you want to go so you can't determine whether you're on the right track or not. They say that if you keep all the uncertainties and doubts bottled up for long, these things will blow you up eventually. Today you're going to start believing that for now, your purpose is to work on these. Or not. Maybe you just really wanna blow yourself up. 

Chapter Three: 1:30 AM

This is an entry from my journal. I did not try to polish this whatsoever so please excuse the form. 😆

Hi. So, I went out of bed on this untimely hour just to say these things so may

haps they actually matter a lot to me. I have just resumed reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye and one of the lessons from there that instilled in me is that one should not let dating consume them such that they shut off other relationships. When you are in a romantic relationship and suddenly, a friend needs you, perhaps they only need someone to listen, someone who will tell them everything will be okay. Well, would you still wait for a kind of emergency to be there for them? I have experienced actually asking for someone to be there for me - someone who used to be there for me always. Instead of finding comfort, they would even make things worse by getting angry with me. Then, I realized that if that person truly cared about me, I would not at all need to ask them to be there for me. 

Even if you are dating someone, keep your friendships, especially the best ones, very close. You see, unlike a lover who might breakup with you when they are tired of fighting for the relationship, a genuine friend will be there for you through the worst. I know because this is exactly why I am still here, in spite of having to put aside all pride just to have someone to listen to… and be rejected over and over.

Chapter Two: Almost There

It's that time of the year again. People here and there are posting graduation pictures. I was supposed to finish my degree this semester too, but, due to unfortunate events regarding my thesis, I was not able to. Last Friday, my two little brothers graduated, Jed from kinder and Jemuel from high school. It would have been great if I did too.

Just like a normal person with feelings and concerns for the future, I felt down and it was like my entire universe had turned bleak and meaningless. I started this semester with all my hopes up that when it is done, I will be able to get myself a job and earn my own money and actually help my parents out. My brother’s going to college come the start of the next school year so I really aimed to graduate this semester - except I couldn’t make it. I don’t want to blame anybody, but I keep asking God what He is trying to tell me through all this delay and these disappointments. I even got to a state where I was so stressed and depressed that I felt like I could weep for an entire week and that day I did not work on my thesis but went home instead. I feel like that place was the lowest I have ever been in. I mean, I had experienced outbursts of pain that at some meals and some walks I would just start crying. There was even this one time when I just could not help it I sat on a park bench and just cried my entire heart out.  I have been crying for minutes when the lady sitting on the next bench who I noticed was reading her Bible, came up to me. We introduced ourselves and she prayed for me. I am forever grateful for her, for giving me her time when she was already late for the bus. I am not sure if she did catch the bus but I pray so. That wonderful experience did not cease the hurting, though.

            It was not until a few days later that all the bad feelings calmed. I was prepared to stand up and put my armor on again. This was also when I learned that I was not alone. My friends who were able to make it and are going to march this coming ceremony proved to be very supportive, thoughtful, and caring, as I have always known they were. Due to my recently failed friendship with my ex-bestfriend (we will get into that soon), I thought people did not really care about other people’s feelings and situations. But these friends of mine, they were there to listen and cheer me up with the silliest things. I just do not want to get into detail because I do not want to give hints on who I am disappointed at. They are great friends and I owe them a lot. Without them, I would not have made it up to here, because now, all I need is to finish my thesis and I am off to New York City. Kidding, but this level up and some more will get me there.

            With everything the University of the Philippines Los Baños BS Statistics graduate class of 2014 did for me, I was able to fully get over the pain and the bitterness of not being a part of them. I am proud to say that I do not feel even a tinge of regret or whatsoever when I see their graduation pictures. All I can think about is that these people are awesome, and I am grateful to have them as my friends. I am not even jealous that they have finished before me, and such. I am genuinely happy for them. I praise God for the wonderful way He has led me out of this mess. And for reminding me of the song I have been singing to Him since childhood:

Chapter One: Cyber Bullied Part II

On the midnight of Christmas, I was checking my accounts on every possible site I have registered to. I happened to drop by my ask.fm account. An anonymous cyber bully asked, "Bakit ang yabang mo? Napaka needy mo at demanding." Only one person went to my head. He-who-must-not-be-named was the only person this bully must have been talking about. The question was posted four months ago, so the alibi that I have rarely seen him this term would not count. I did not want to judge anybody so I did not make conclusions as to who might have been the unknown inquisitor. I admit I have been clingy to he-who-must-not-be-named mostly because I was used to having all his attention on me. 
Now, I am nothing to him. I honestly cannot imagine how he can still call me his best friend, when I do not feel close enough for him to be called mine. Surely he used to be there for me always, as one would expect of a "best friend," but since she happened, he has always never been there for me. I do not care if they spend their lives messing up each other's bed (believe me, I know a lot about what he does to her more than she will ever know). All I want is peace on my own, which is why I have stopped asking him when we could meet. We used to have fixed meeting times and days during a week. But all that is gone now, I do not even recall the last time I have had a meal with him. It has probably been months. I really do not care anymore. I stopped caring a long time ago. If he is not there for me and is not an actual best friend to me, let him be. Sure, I will be there for him, like a genuine friend would be. I will give him holiday gifts and try to laugh with him (though honestly I have been having a hard time doing this). I will be his friend because I have learned that in this life, helping should be done without expectations of being returned the favour.
Okay. I am reacting badly to this ask.fm question. It just really gets into me when somebody hates me, you know? I know I cannot please everybody, but for somebody to loathe me like this unknown being does, my system just cannot accept it. Whomever you may be, Anonymous, whatever it must have been that I did to make you dislike or perchance even loathe me, I am truly sorry. I am pretty sure that with whatsoever I did, I did not mean for it to cause you pain or whatnot. I would also like to tell you that I have been doing my best to keep far from he-who-must-not-be-named because he told me she did not like him seeing me. Please do not hate on me for missing the good friendship he and I used to have. He was my best friend, after all. And after she came, I lost a good friend. Mayhaps you have experienced losing a friend too, so you might understand how I feel right now. Mayhaps you do not, but believe me it has not been easy for me this past year. I am not sure if he is still my best friend because he likes to say so, because in deeper context we are no longer passable best friends to each other.
By now you must have already realized how you got into me. I just cannot live with anybody hating this much on me. If you knew the story of Cyber Bully Part I, you would understand. However, I must warn you not to worry about it because it is not very much likely for you to be learning about it any time soon, because I am long over Cyber Bully number one (and she does not deserve this title any longer), and we are now friends (and it took me quite an effort for this to happen). P.S. I answered your question with, "You're funny! :>" But I reevaluated the situation and ended up deleting your question instead. Happy holidays, Unknown!