Chapter Three: 1:30 AM

This is an entry from my journal. I did not try to polish this whatsoever so please excuse the form. 😆

Hi. So, I went out of bed on this untimely hour just to say these things so may

haps they actually matter a lot to me. I have just resumed reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye and one of the lessons from there that instilled in me is that one should not let dating consume them such that they shut off other relationships. When you are in a romantic relationship and suddenly, a friend needs you, perhaps they only need someone to listen, someone who will tell them everything will be okay. Well, would you still wait for a kind of emergency to be there for them? I have experienced actually asking for someone to be there for me - someone who used to be there for me always. Instead of finding comfort, they would even make things worse by getting angry with me. Then, I realized that if that person truly cared about me, I would not at all need to ask them to be there for me. 

Even if you are dating someone, keep your friendships, especially the best ones, very close. You see, unlike a lover who might breakup with you when they are tired of fighting for the relationship, a genuine friend will be there for you through the worst. I know because this is exactly why I am still here, in spite of having to put aside all pride just to have someone to listen to… and be rejected over and over.

Chapter Two: Almost There

It's that time of the year again. People here and there are posting graduation pictures. I was supposed to finish my degree this semester too, but, due to unfortunate events regarding my thesis, I was not able to. Last Friday, my two little brothers graduated, Jed from kinder and Jemuel from high school. It would have been great if I did too.

Just like a normal person with feelings and concerns for the future, I felt down and it was like my entire universe had turned bleak and meaningless. I started this semester with all my hopes up that when it is done, I will be able to get myself a job and earn my own money and actually help my parents out. My brother’s going to college come the start of the next school year so I really aimed to graduate this semester - except I couldn’t make it. I don’t want to blame anybody, but I keep asking God what He is trying to tell me through all this delay and these disappointments. I even got to a state where I was so stressed and depressed that I felt like I could weep for an entire week and that day I did not work on my thesis but went home instead. I feel like that place was the lowest I have ever been in. I mean, I had experienced outbursts of pain that at some meals and some walks I would just start crying. There was even this one time when I just could not help it I sat on a park bench and just cried my entire heart out.  I have been crying for minutes when the lady sitting on the next bench who I noticed was reading her Bible, came up to me. We introduced ourselves and she prayed for me. I am forever grateful for her, for giving me her time when she was already late for the bus. I am not sure if she did catch the bus but I pray so. That wonderful experience did not cease the hurting, though.

            It was not until a few days later that all the bad feelings calmed. I was prepared to stand up and put my armor on again. This was also when I learned that I was not alone. My friends who were able to make it and are going to march this coming ceremony proved to be very supportive, thoughtful, and caring, as I have always known they were. Due to my recently failed friendship with my ex-bestfriend (we will get into that soon), I thought people did not really care about other people’s feelings and situations. But these friends of mine, they were there to listen and cheer me up with the silliest things. I just do not want to get into detail because I do not want to give hints on who I am disappointed at. They are great friends and I owe them a lot. Without them, I would not have made it up to here, because now, all I need is to finish my thesis and I am off to New York City. Kidding, but this level up and some more will get me there.

            With everything the University of the Philippines Los Baños BS Statistics graduate class of 2014 did for me, I was able to fully get over the pain and the bitterness of not being a part of them. I am proud to say that I do not feel even a tinge of regret or whatsoever when I see their graduation pictures. All I can think about is that these people are awesome, and I am grateful to have them as my friends. I am not even jealous that they have finished before me, and such. I am genuinely happy for them. I praise God for the wonderful way He has led me out of this mess. And for reminding me of the song I have been singing to Him since childhood:

Chapter One: Cyber Bullied Part II

On the midnight of Christmas, I was checking my accounts on every possible site I have registered to. I happened to drop by my ask.fm account. An anonymous cyber bully asked, "Bakit ang yabang mo? Napaka needy mo at demanding." Only one person went to my head. He-who-must-not-be-named was the only person this bully must have been talking about. The question was posted four months ago, so the alibi that I have rarely seen him this term would not count. I did not want to judge anybody so I did not make conclusions as to who might have been the unknown inquisitor. I admit I have been clingy to he-who-must-not-be-named mostly because I was used to having all his attention on me. 
Now, I am nothing to him. I honestly cannot imagine how he can still call me his best friend, when I do not feel close enough for him to be called mine. Surely he used to be there for me always, as one would expect of a "best friend," but since she happened, he has always never been there for me. I do not care if they spend their lives messing up each other's bed (believe me, I know a lot about what he does to her more than she will ever know). All I want is peace on my own, which is why I have stopped asking him when we could meet. We used to have fixed meeting times and days during a week. But all that is gone now, I do not even recall the last time I have had a meal with him. It has probably been months. I really do not care anymore. I stopped caring a long time ago. If he is not there for me and is not an actual best friend to me, let him be. Sure, I will be there for him, like a genuine friend would be. I will give him holiday gifts and try to laugh with him (though honestly I have been having a hard time doing this). I will be his friend because I have learned that in this life, helping should be done without expectations of being returned the favour.
Okay. I am reacting badly to this ask.fm question. It just really gets into me when somebody hates me, you know? I know I cannot please everybody, but for somebody to loathe me like this unknown being does, my system just cannot accept it. Whomever you may be, Anonymous, whatever it must have been that I did to make you dislike or perchance even loathe me, I am truly sorry. I am pretty sure that with whatsoever I did, I did not mean for it to cause you pain or whatnot. I would also like to tell you that I have been doing my best to keep far from he-who-must-not-be-named because he told me she did not like him seeing me. Please do not hate on me for missing the good friendship he and I used to have. He was my best friend, after all. And after she came, I lost a good friend. Mayhaps you have experienced losing a friend too, so you might understand how I feel right now. Mayhaps you do not, but believe me it has not been easy for me this past year. I am not sure if he is still my best friend because he likes to say so, because in deeper context we are no longer passable best friends to each other.
By now you must have already realized how you got into me. I just cannot live with anybody hating this much on me. If you knew the story of Cyber Bully Part I, you would understand. However, I must warn you not to worry about it because it is not very much likely for you to be learning about it any time soon, because I am long over Cyber Bully number one (and she does not deserve this title any longer), and we are now friends (and it took me quite an effort for this to happen). P.S. I answered your question with, "You're funny! :>" But I reevaluated the situation and ended up deleting your question instead. Happy holidays, Unknown!