Case Closed.

Whoever wrote this, thank you.

These words sum up the pivot of my life right now.

I recently broke my own heart and in the process lost a friend.

Or so I thought I did.

The only way to make sure is to ask.

But what if I try to reach out and it doesn't work?

I do not want to be rejected. Not again.

Besides, the last time we talked, it was so obvious that you were only being civil by responding to me.

You did not want to talk to me.

You did not even deny it when I asked.

I told myself I would not write about you,

because you might think that I am still holding on to you.

You would not like that, would you?

Well you do not have to worry, because I have let you go from the very moment you said, "Sorry."

But I have to admit that I am haunted.

By your memories. 

Memories that still make my heart aflutter whenever I go back to them.

Memories that remind me of how it felt like when you cared.

I could fall in love over and over again with you...r memories.

I also would like to admit that when I saw your face after the storm,

I knew it was not you who I was reading about in our conversations. 

It was not you who would defy the odds to solve problems that are mine.

It was not you who made me feel like the things I did made me special.

I am aware that my memories of you are no longer who you are today. 

So, I guess you cannot say that I wrote about you.

I wrote about who you were.

I wrote about your past.

But not you, exactly.

Because I am not entirely sure I still know you.

I have no idea what happened, 

I have no clue what I did wrong.

All I know is you are gone.

It is over.

I am not even sure what "it" was.

But I do know that I miss your friendship.

I had hoped we could keep that.

But where do we stand now?

Again, to get the answer I would need to ask you.

That would be too much of a risk.

Sometimes, I feel like I deserve to know why.

Just like I probably deserved more than a couple months of you. 

But maybe you did not know how to end a relationship, because you were not sure how to start one either. 

Just like how I am still poor at putting writings into conclusion. 

2009-33027, Class of 2015

When people would ask me if there was anything they could help me with during my sp days, I would say that all I needed was their prayers. 

I needed a miracle to get to the finish line. Most of the time I felt helpless and also on the verge of breaking down. 

Good thing I had Psalm 46:1 as my armour: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." First thing every morning, I would whisper a short prayer, "Lord, please guide me through the impossible." 

I will never forget the (so far) craziest three weeks of my life. Those sleepless nights led me one step closer to the fulfillment of my dreams. 

And now, less than a week before the miracle I've worked hard for happens, I would like to express my gratitude to everyone. Everyone who was there for me when I felt like giving up. Everyone who prayed for me. Everyone who told me, "I know you can do it."

You know who you are and I can never thank you enough for pushing me to keep on keeping on. 

Most of all I would like to give a huge shoutout to my ever loving, ever supportive parents. Thank you Ma, Dad, for teaching me that strength is something you choose. Thank you for showing me how to smile through the tears, how to laugh even when in pain. If not for the strength and wisdom you guys possess, I would not have had the motivation to become strong as well. Thank you also for always reminding me to tell the Heavenly Father everything. 

I raise this eventful moment to You, Lord. This is all by Your grace. Thank You so much for another wonder. I will always keep in mind that nothing is impossible with You. 

I'm Too Hard on Myself

Look at you. Look how deep you've fallen. Look at the bruises that will never fully heal. Look how big you've become. You tell yourself that you have dreams. You tell yourself that your life has purpose. But the truth is, all this time you've just been trying to hang in there. You've been trying so hard that you actually think you're okay. Far deep inside, you're not sure about anything, not even yourself. You don't know where you want to go so you can't determine whether you're on the right track or not. They say that if you keep all the uncertainties and doubts bottled up for long, these things will blow you up eventually. Today you're going to start believing that for now, your purpose is to work on these. Or not. Maybe you just really wanna blow yourself up.